Resident Dragony Aunt, Val Qaeda is answering your dilemmas in readiness for Valentine’s Day…
1. Hi Val, Thanks for your recommendations on alternatives to Netflix. They really helped. Any more ways to fill the void?
Listen darling there’s a global panorama going on, as much as I’m flattered I cannot fill your void without breaching social distancing rules. Go and have a wank my love x
2. Hey Dragony Aunt, I am Bi and my girlfriend has been working hard as a key worker. How can I treat her for Valentine’s Day?
Well, as Boris says, clap those arse cheeks for our heroes am I right? Valentine’s Day is a chance to spice it up in the bedroom. So here’s what you need to do. Love honey has a 20% off sale on all dildos over 22 feet, choose the one you like and get to pegging. Get her to peg you like a washing line darling. It’s good for the soul, so I’ve heard…
3. Dragony Aunt! I need your help on what to buy my fella. We broke up and decided to give it another shot. What gifts would you suggest to show him I am willing and show him how I feel?
The gift of eternal loneliness my dear. Exes are exes for a reason. There’s plenty more samosas in the curry house. Don’t put all your onion bhajis in one basket. Spread your wings and fly into somebody else’s love pakora. You’ll thank me later angel x
4. Dear Aunt Val, I am undecided as to what I like or am looking for? How can you help me decide?
Okay fine. I’ll help you decide. I don’t see love on the cards for you. What I do see however is cat companionship. Start now and you’ll have 8 by the time you hit 56!
5. Aunt Qaeda! Will you be my Valentine? What’s your favourite romantic meal? How will we spend our ‘socially distanced’ date night?
Thank you for the offer handsome. Our socially distanced date will take place on February the 29th, 32 o’clock and in the comfort of our own houses. You will go about your usual routine, and I will continue to be fabulous and totally out of your league. How does that sound?Tweet to @gaylifemanc