Gaylife Magazine | Manchester

Dragony Aunt ~ Val Qaeda

Q1. My boyfriend and I are arguing during the lockdowns which does not happen normally do you think it’s because I’ve not been as “attentive” as usual ~ Josh, Oldham

Well Joshua, the only way to stop an argument is for the mouth to be otherwise occupied. If it’s full, no words may escape it! Now you can choose to fill it by consistently overeating (Which has been my issue during this pandemic) or by having it permanently fixed upon his appendage (which I WISH had been my issue during this pandemic). Either way, problem solved. 

Q2.  Dear Val Qaeda, I was wondering how you became the drag artist you are today? ~ Jess, Bolton

Trauma, depression and rebellion my dear. I wanted to be a vet! The only animals I deal with now are Middle Aged, cisgendered, heterosexual hen parties. They’re rabid. 

Q3. Hi Dragony Aunt!! My boyfriend, has a really really big manhood any advice about how to deal with it? ~ James, Manchester

I’d say be grateful and stop whining. You’re lucky to get anything above three and a half inches in this town. Believe you me, I’ve done the rounds. Grab it and don’t let go my darling. Well, at least until he asks you to…

Q4. Hi Dragony Aunt!, What would you recommend to watch on Netflix if we go into lockdown again? ~ Sophie, Rochdale

Well, Sophie, I’ve bypassed Netflix and levelled up to pornhub now I’m afraid. It’s been an incredibly ‘hard’ lockdown for me if you know what I mean *wink wink*. With all that in mind, you can never go wrong with “Hairy Daddies Attack: The Wax Off Part Deux”. Be sure to write again and let me know what you think my love.

Q5. Hi Dragony Aunt! I have always wanted to do drag and I think you are amazing! Do you have any advice for a blossoming drag queen especially now with all the chaos? ~ Peter, Bury

Stay at home. Lock the doors and don’t leave until those devilish desires have left your poor, impressionable head. 

However, if you absolutely must continue, I’d advise you to watch makeup tutorials on YouTube. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Mistakes are how you learn. In fact, I’ll name you right now. Theydies and Gentlethems, please welcome to the stage, Trylon Error! Now go forth and fly my darling. And watch out for the hen parties! 

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