Dear Auntie V, I think I have bad bitch syndrome and I can’t stop twerking at family events. Help! ~ Ashley, London
Well Ashley, I think it’s less bad bitch syndrome and more imposter syndrome because you are nothing of the sort. However if you truly feel that way then stick some Adele on instead of Rihanna at family functions. You can’t twerk to Adele without setting fire to the rain can you? And no one wants to be ringing the fire brigade at grandmas 456th birthday celebration. I think that’s the safest option.
What do I do when my pussy is on fire? ~ Ash, Bolton
Well it’s simple. Put it out, or risk 74th degree burns. It’s common sense.
How do you tie your shoes? ~ Joe, Wigan
Do I look like a bleedin how to feature?! It’s Dragony aunt! It’s for dilemmas! I’m sorry for shouting. I’m just triggered. I’ve never been able to tie my shoes. Velcro. Or barefoot. Just mind the broken glass. Or don’t. I don’t kink shame.
I wanna drop out of uni but I dunno if I should as I hate online learning. What should I do? ~ Dominic, Wales
Well Dominic. University isn’t for everyone. I graduated from Slagwarts School of Bitchcraft and Wigotry a couple years ago and I still don’t think it was worth the 24 rupees a year.
Remember that online learning is temporary. We’re on the way out of the pandemic now, everything will be back to normal soon. So if it’s only the online learning, I’d say to stick it out and you’ll be back doing in person learning soon enough. If it doesn’t work out you can find a small gay magazine to write a Dragony Aunt feature for instead. I’ve heard that is always an option…
Auntie Val! What’s the best advice for someone who’s nervous to go out in drag fit the first time? ~ Adam, Bury
Well, to that I would say: Stay Alert. Stay at Home. Protect the NHS.
I’m only joking we’re far beyond help now. Anyway, I would say go with a good group of friends. Drink quite a bit before hand and practice practice practice! If you’ve practiced enough and you’re happy with how you look, who cares what others think? You could look like a toe in a wig (we have a number of those on the street) but if you have confidence it changes EVERYTHING! Finally, remember that drag is fun. It’s not so serious. Go out with a goal of having fun and making new memories. You can’t go wrong.